She wanted a hot-girl salad. She got a gastrointestinal reckoning.

After a career-ending incident involving a rotisserie chicken gets her fired from the Piggly Basket, Lucy Lou LaRue does what any self-respecting woman at rock bottom would do: she reinvents herself as a clean-eating wellness influencer. Her glow-up begins with three bowls of suspiciously warm romaine bought off a roadside produce truck.

It does not go well.

What follows is a viral pageant disaster, a countywide bathroom shortage, a golden portable toilet, and a full-blown investigation into the terrifying corporate power of Big Lettuce. Because when Lucy realizes a produce company may have knowingly shipped contaminated greens, she stops running to the bathroom and starts fighting back.

She assembles a crew: her ride-or-die best friend Tater, an intimidating retired plumber, and a trailer-park manager who charges money for everything — emergencies included. Together they steal twelve portable toilets, infiltrate a refrigerated warehouse disguised as heads of lettuce, and chase a corrupt mayor through town inside a runaway golden throne.

Lettuce-Eating Lucy Gets the Squirts is an outrageous adult comedy about wellness influencers, corporate corruption, public restrooms, and one woman’s absolute refusal to suffer quietly. It is gross, it is gleeful, and it is exactly as unhinged as the title promises.

Romaine calm and find a bathroom.